BUCKETS: Relationships

From the Zimzum of love:

Match.com gets around 17million unique visitors a month. 17m people a month holding out hope that that person is out there.

'Divorce is like a death, only the other person is still alive'

The Jagger Theory (Mick): monogamy isn't our natural inclination so why do we keep torturing ourselves with this outdated antiquated custom that shackles two people to the constricting notion that they must remain exclusively faithfully committed to each other with no other experiences of a similar sort until one of them is left standing over the grave of the other?

Another question: Has any institution/idea/arrangement cause so many people so much agnoy? Is there a greater ache than giving your heart (and life) to someone, only to have it collapse and fall apart on you?

wedding: a public ceremony in front of your friends and family with cake and an eighties cpver band.'

Emotional health: Be intentional about your own health since your marriage will only be as healthy as the least healthy one of you.

'As counterintuitive as it may seem, taking care of yourself is one of the best gifts you can give the person you are married to. this includes exercising, eating well, getting enough sleep, engaging in regular practises that feed your soul - these are essential to giving your best to the poerson you love.'

The scorecard analogy

Scorecards. We clutch onto them as we keep track of who's doing what. The scorecard makes you feel entitles - I'm the one making the money, I'm the one watching the kids all day, I'm the one looking after the house. You find yourself arguing your case for why you've racked up more points.

You brain has a number of different parts: One part reacts with lightning speed when it senses that you're vulnerable or under attack. it's not rational and its purpose is to protect you.

So many scorecard fights are irrational - whatever the fear is, is has activated the part of the brain that isn't rational.

Other parts of your brain:
- the seat of logical thinking (where you compare data and analyse options)
- another part of the brain is the seat of love and empathy and compassion

Here's why it's so important to act in love, not in fear: the primitive, protective, fearful, survival parts of your brain can't run at the same time as the other rational, loving parts. 

When you're angry or resentful, the most powerful thing you can do is to act in love and compassion. This literally shuts off the part of your brain that keeps you in the vortex

To get rid of your scorecard, someone has to move toward the other first. One of you has to tear up your scorecard first.

Sometimes this is as straightforward as sitting down and looking the other person in the eyes and saying: I am for you, I've got your back, I am committed to your best. Help me to understand things from your perspective. What can we do together to change things?

Love, if it's going to last always involves sacrifice.

Spark kind of love : adrenaline temporal insanity type of all-consuming love. Our bodies can sustain this for about 6-9 months. Eventually the high wears off and the passion is gone.
Substance kind of love : this is what happens when you realise 'this is my best friend'. Substance doesn't come and go like spark. Substance endures.
Sacrifice kind of love : doing this over time, back and forth eventually means that the scorecard begins to disappear.

In the ancient wisdom of the Christian tradition love always leads to sacrifice.

There's a great line in Song of Songs:

I am my beloved's and my beloved is mine.
Does he belong to her or does she belong to him? Which is it? The answer it Yes. Both are true.